5 hours straight

 

Could you every believe that i have been sitting in the same spot for 5 hours straight? Its like i cant be bothered doing anything anymore, and be bothered doing anything productive so im just sitting around.

I’ve realised that i should probably say that this is a boring post cause im just practicing my writing.

 

and in any case, if you do care to have a look at what i am going to talk about feel free to read on.

As you know, i use the guitar a lot, but until this point i didnt realise that i tupe as if i using the guitar. Because the only finger you never use is the little finger on your strumming hand. Which is why i can only touch type with 9 fingers.

And dont you go around saying that a thumb isnt a finger or ill cut yours off.

Theres nothing i dont hate than some assfaggery about people just picking on the little things to deconstruct and be a butch about.

Anyhow, as im sitting in the university cafeteria, i’ve got my ipod on listen to soft music.

Yeah and the only reason why im still here is because im downloading anime.

I mean seriously, this is my otaku life. Actually i could also be a hikikomori. But then i have life skills like cooking cleaning repairing and arty skills like music and drawing.

In my self promise to be the best at everything i realised that i have now become the BEST OF OVERDOING IT.

Im the best multiskilled and multitasking person there is. Which means, i practically have no skills at all.

But i like to believe in the law of diminishing returns. Once you start to do something over and over again, the returns are lower each time, just like the thrill of bungie jumping and sky diving. So thus, its not a wasted effort to try and improve at everything. Because im gaining so much knowledge.

And though ill never use it, it feels good to have a sense of accomplishment.

Dammit, not the answer i was hoping to hear from myself.

 

I regret things in my past. Because i did things i cannot erase, forget, or be forgiven. Because it hurted people i treasured. Because i care. Because caring is a human trait. Because i am human, and i have weaknesses. Because i am weak. Because i am insecure, which means i try to make something with my identity. I am not happy with who i am right now. I can never be happy. Ok, well never is a strong word, but i think, if im not happy now then i never can be. Because im not truthful. I enjoy my misery.Because i am jealous of them. ‘They’ will not have names, nor will i name them. Because they have someone to love. Because i do not have someone to love. Because sometimes, i dont like sitting in lecture halls by myself, having lunches by myself, riding on the train by myself, having a life, generally by myself. Friends and family are a different matter. It just is, i cant explain it. Fine, the closest i have to a reason is because, for all my cynical views, my self concious ways, i still have hope i can find someone.

Hope, is such a weak force.

I am a person who hopes. It isnt a person who i should be, but who i am. Someone who lives a life of disappointments.

Lets escape into the music, you just cant refuse it. And honey, theres no such thing as a PERFECT BOY.

 

“God,”

*furrows eyebrows*

Although im tired i still feel the need to write some more

*Soft jazz reverbs through the head phones*

“I need a glass of water”

“And the damn neighbours are up”

I didnt mean to be so ridiculous.

*Gets up to get a glass of water*

---------------------------------------------------

Ok, so these couple of day’s have been gruelling, and i have not freaking studied for my exams which is on in around a week.

I almost give a shit, and then there are times when i couldn’t care less. I hope   will get my f*cking act together however.

I’ve also been doing very well with the chores i’ve been forced to do. At times, i voluantarily enact. But all is not well. I just cant stop and think how much i really just want to stop doing things. Although i have been soldiering on i still feel a bit sandbagged.

I dont care about your fairytales about guys being so perfect. We’ve all got fucking dicks. So there. Dont go about your sanctity of clear skinned, baby faced boys. Although i have vowed to become a perfect boyfriend, i do know the limits. I may know its impossible, but i try.

I cant be slim and handsome if i want to be strong and protective. I cant be smart and calculative as well as be cool and badass.

Instead im going to become all of these. And force these conflicting identities to work. And whatever doesnt suit, ill just toss aside. Ill take whatever lemons i get and make lemonade.

 

Not a freaking cake

Memories in my spine.

 

My Grandfather died peacefully  yesterday.

My mother, was planning to visit him before he died, but ironically. she found out that she was a day late. My sister, noted that mom was unusually quiet, though she didn’t know the reason then.

Mom has left, and wont be back until next month.

And these few days has been whittling away what very will i have.

Years ago, mom had to leave for the similar reason, leaving me to manage her role in the house. Luckily, as a high-schooler, i didn’t have to worry about schoolwork.

It’s different now, i have to organise lunch and dinner for my father and sister, manage house chores, study for my exams, and get up earlier every morning cause i cant drive the car yet. My sister is still in shock with our grandfather’s death, and she feels some guilt in not being able to spend time with him more.

For me, to be honest, i cant draw up any true emotion about my grandfather. I love him, but i just don’t have the capacity for grief, not at this time anyway.

For a person who tries to be a realist, i’ve blurred its intentions with pessimism. And although death is a part of life, it seems i really think it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Rather than see things positively, i find it easier to see whats wrong with it.

I find, life rather futile and temporary. And it really doesn’t matter what i do with it. Some say that gives us more reason to live life to the fullest.

I’d say it gives me a reason not to give a damn anymore.

The one time i ask you for a long distance relationship.

 

Right now, sitting in the darkness tapping away lightly on the laptop and thinking quietly to myself. I found a use for my solar powered lamp, leaving it on my window sill and leaving it there until i use it to read by the bed at night.

Or typing around my thoughts.

Most of my thinking is influenced my the music or the things i see. Life that happens around me. What i want to say is. Im still wondering how far have i come from.  Everytime i feel like i come a long way, i will turn and look back and only realised i have only taken a step to change.

It’s as it no matter how much i try to run i seem to be in the same spot.

Do you ever feel like that?

Sometimes all that progress can mean nothing the next day. And that pisses me off. Its ironic that its one way to run away from your past and not even take a step, and its one thing to have progress, and have the exact problem.

Its the fact that im not moving.

All this talk of being a better person, preparing myself to be someone who deserves a girlfriend, is just hot air.I feel put off seeing jerks scoring chicks, or having the majority of friends already in a relationship.

Maybe that’s it.

A majority of my friends are all in relationships. And i’m just having an inferioty complex. In fact, its almost a bipolar reaction. Its only out of nowhere i will begin to build resentment to people i know. And when i begin to find other things to occupy myself with, i still feel put down.

And its nice i guess, to have people around me understanding that. And even though i BITCH and MOAN they’re all like “It gets better Gary,”

If i had that amount of enthusiasm id be spending it all on asking girls out.

In fact, it seems to be the assumption that asking a random person out isn’t viable for a long term relationship.

Tell me, what kind of situation supports a long term relationship?

Ruins, relics, disciples and their young.

 

Hey guys.

I’ve been MIA [Missing in action] for a couple of days. And to be honest i am ashamed of where i am going with my life.

And for all my insecurities, i’ve depended on other people again.

I can seem to think for myself, and all my decisions have been taken from the opinions of others. It may feel like that i decided on my own after weighing the ideas. but it really feels like that im just being dependent. Again.

 

I dont think ill ever by truly independent, but i want to be dependable upon.