Sunday, July 10, 2011

If i was to disappear for a while. Where will that lead me.

Inspired by my friend to silently disappear from the netsphere, ive decided to leave a fake bombshell for the few stalkers i have.

I am not disappearing, but i am truly commiting neticide. A suicide of sorts where all this shit can be left to rot.

I dont need to return to this past, and i have no need to be attached to it anymore.

Catch you later alligator.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

rsi

I have an RSI in my fucking right wrist and its not going away.

Fuck

a few days ago when I started to feel my wrists getting a little numb. Then the throbbing began. As a musician, I try not to ignore any signals that my body sends me relating to repetitive stress injury. So now I am taking a short break until the pain goes away. The time spent not writing being replaced by aimlessly surfing through clutter for future projects. And so now there is quite a compilation of things that I want to do in the next few months. Just as soon as my wrists cooperate! While on clutter, I realised i left a few things unfinished. Sometimes it's like looking through my old high school yearbook and wondering,"What was I thinking?"

Well, its no matter. I work this out.

In other news. Princess bitch arrived on facebook, and a torrent of supressed memories and anger came back.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

What the fuck

What the fuck am i doing.

Gotta get a grip on reality.

dicks

Dicks.

Sleep.

Only recently i realised ive been suffering from sleep apnea.

I cant sleep normally. And for some reason, i tend to oversleep since im so comfortable. Which is a cause for concern since now my excessive sleeping pattern has made me tired, more sleepy and really cranky.

I get headaches and shit.

Anyway, in other news, things get awkward between me and a girl as i find her unappealing. judgemental and superficial yes. But ive had the same treatment as well.

Doesnt matter though, since i dont feel like looking for intimacy.

the point of the universe?

What i noticed is that when you lose your major goal, it shakes the very foundations of who you are. Your stability is lost, and you are unsettled like a broken gyroscope.

I’ve just experienced just that.

It seems to me that although there is no point to life. People are always going towards a direction. And that is the flow of life. As soon as you stop swimming upstream, you get dragged down by complacency.

My sense of direction is skewed. And i do not have an easy resolution to this conundrum. If there is no point to what i wanted to achieve. What do i focus on now? Where do i find my stability?

Do i find some sort of faux/proxy direction which i follow wholeheartedly until i ‘rediscover’ myself?

Maybe that is the means to an end. That we are all jumping from one goal to the next like frogs. Never content with the grand scheme. That there is no one big goal, but a series of goals we achieve over time.

And if that’s the case. I think i’m going to join a travelling circus.

i sight.

Im trying to grow my hair out and not shave for a couple of weeks to try and look like hei from Darker than black.

Its a weird thing to do. But i think all guys want to look like shit once in a while. Call it what you may, battle hardened, weathered, old, mature, manly.

Honestly if you’ve seen me for the last few days you’d think i was girly or something.

Talk about inappropiate.

Anyway, yeah, a self monitoring post today, i dont have anything interesting to write about at all.

Thursday, May 19, 2011

FUCK.

idontknow.

Just. Fuck.

Youre diall fucking dicks.

Im just pissed off again.

Its ironic that i filter down my posts to three different emotions.

I write to this when im pissed off or suicidal.

I write to my public blog when im pensive and philosophising.

I write to my facebook for entertainment.

But all in all. It takes effort to do so. Some part of me wants to reject this. And let my worlds collide.

I fucking failed my chem. It has me on edge.

I regret my uni degree choice it makies me stressed.

I have conflicting views of love. I dont know what the fuck im doing.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

fucking fuck sakes.

Another breakdown after breakdown.

I have never felt so alone in the sense that i would sit here. And feel so fucking shit. Unable to talk to anyone.

I cant talk to anyone and i wont.

Im really concerned for my wellbeing. And i want to responsible and focused on working to be emotionally and mentally stable.

All i can do at this point is to deflect some of that frustration into writing and keep on living.

Friday, May 13, 2011

My purpose is to take over by storm.

I will take over the blogging world. I will invade and bot every mother fucking thing on the internet.

People will hear my name and think. “What a dick”

It was nice?

Again i realise what i have been trying to understand these last few years.

When i went out with kvjf this friday i realised how superficial i was. I am always wholeheartedly trying to find a girlfriend. Someone i can confide in or share some personal affections toward.

But that’s bullshit.

I don’t think relationships suit me. I really dislike going out of my way for someone else. My selfishness precedes me. And my apparent laziness.

I feel cheated today. As if i was meant to extrapolate some sort of wonderful experience and feel fine and dandy.

And the thing is. I don’t even see kvjf as some sort of potential girlfriend. But the thing is, this experience just reminds me of the responsibility that i cant handle.

I did though, have a nice moment with kvif. We were lying on the grass staring at the sky talking about things we did and stories we had.

Maybe im just moody. But now that ive realised that my goal [To become the best boyfriend i can be] isnt really needed if i dont desire a relationship. I just dont have any point to go to in life.

What do i do now? What do i care about?

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Kitakotonai.

This is pretty self explanatory, but i find it useful to show what i want to say.

Between a conversation between me and Sino, it led me to think that some people sit on different positions on this image.

To explain, since ive been through this cycle, i would say my view sits on staying between strangers and friends. And thus i try to avoid any attempt to really find a girlfriend.

Others may be between friends and lovers, and have the mindset of not giving a damn about whether or not it goes wrong, as long as they know they tried.

I know, as some of you might also notice, that this image is too generalised, and that it never permanently follows this pattern. In my defence, i would argue that this is more of a vicious circle, and some are able to escape it more easily or more sooner than others.

I for one, like to think ive escaped this circle, but something tells me otherwise.

Im a big boy now, itll take more than a bruise to make me fall over.

Out of the blue, all my intensity has degraded into a slush of sorts.

I have, taken care of my family with all the dedication i can muster, assisting with the cooking, laundry and cleaning up the house.

I have tried to fill my father’s shoes and live up to his expectations, and i am constantly reminded that i am not enough.

I have tried to study as hard as i can, and i have tried to dedicate myself to become multi-skilled, working on my flaws.

You could say, i have been efficient with my resolution to do the bucket list i have on my blog since 2008.

I know i can muster more strength to complete my tasks, but the fear is what i will ultimately accomplish in the end, and where will i go then.

It seems i have only begun, but i feel like ive been doing this since forever.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Reminiscent luminescence

I think i have finally worked things out.

I don’t need help. Not if i’m serious. Not if i really wanted to die. The ones who try to commit suicide make sure it doesn’t work, make sure someone finds them. With luck the finder feels like a hero and sticks around for a while. I’ve started there. I’ve been found twice- but this time im serious. I just want to be finished.

I am still afraid of superficial consequences.

This, i hope, will be the last time i talk about these feelings again. After that, if i really do need help, i will sort it out quietly.

im going to burn my bridges.

When i fucking get the chance.

There are some people i want to erase permanently from my life.

Every little fucking aspect of them gone.

I find it hard to be so calm and collected these days, i need to silently vent.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

great expectations.

Its hard enough i cant fill your expectations.

Its bad enough i dont succeed.

Its sad that im never the best

I just wished you could see.

Why did you have to hurt me for?

Words burn just as hard,

as the pain i felt as i child,

of makeshift weapons of past.

Please dont pick on the little things

That is who and what i am

i dont know what im here for

i dont know how i can

Friday, March 25, 2011

He can shit detergent for all i care.

I havent cried for so song.

But in the car, when dad was putting me down on how “fucking dissapointed” he was about me. I think i just snapped in the wrong way.

Instead of swearing back as i usually do i sat their quiet and unassuming.

And i was on the verge of tears, but i didnt cry. I just had that sensation of crying. But i sat there, in silence, driving that car.

Im a failure, a mess, someone who isnt dependable, a lazy little girl who cant stand on her two feet, a waste of his time.

Im not okay with that at all, but i dont know what to say.

I really dont.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

clusterfuck.

Im so tired these days that i get so pissed off.

Dad has been giving me a load of bull, but i dont have the energy to give a fuck.

I need sleep, and a brief respite

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

youre probably asking why.

Why do i post about things so private and intimate about myself at vulnerable times like these?

I guess its a diary of some purpose.

I dont want to burden or talk to someone about it, its not something i want to directly acknowledge.

As long as the problem exists like this, it cant be real.

Recently too many people have come up to me with their problems, i see too many problems, i get math problems, problems everywhere.

I dont want to talk about it face to face to someone, i dont want to be judged directly.

I dont know what the fuck im on about. Its one of my low days, and im on a fucking tangent.

Its because.

Its because im such a coward, ill never really kill myself.

But ill never really seek help.

A vicious circle within a circle.

I thought i was fine.

I really did.

I thought that time would put an end to my state of mind, that it was just negative thinking.

I just fucking hate myself.

Sometimes i get wild fantasys of killing myself in the most twisted way. Or trying to lose my humanity.

I think ive lost my humanity,

its just not completely gone yet.

Committing suicide on my own terms.

I really dont want to live.

The truth is, i want everyone to recognise me as Gary, so that i begin to alter and remove my identity.

My own perception of who i am anymore, and who i am to others.

You cannot miss something you cant name. It is like trying to catch smoke i would think.

Things are working out fine.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

To be honest.

i hate living.

I just want to run away from home.

uck

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Yellow car.

Promise not to laugh?

Whenever i saw her car drive by i would stare long and hard into the windows. Even though i saw nothing i hoped she looked back when she saw me.

I always searched for that yellow car when i walked home from school. Always seeing a flash of hair as it went by.

Now when i see that car, i remember her hair. And i realise that she lied about loving me from the start.

How funny is that?

incapacity.

Its been a long few months since ive sat down and wrote another blog post on a train. And to be honest

i dont feel

any nostalgia or goodwill to the experience.

Cause since after a year i feel

like

ive become accustomed to waiting everywhere.

Waiting at a trainstop, waiting for my classes, waiting for my day to end and especially waiting for my conciousness to kick in at 6:00 am in the morning so

i can

make it into my math classes.

I really have no clue how i to

deal with this

and it feels like that im wasting so much precious time just to get nowhere.

Aimless.

Sooner or later though, ill work out what i want to do during these waiting times. Maybe ill finally use that notebook to write that story i keep putting aside, maybe ill try and draw for fun, maybe ill start taking my music

seriously.

In any case, i just dont know which to prioritse, and i fear i may end up sitting like this forever, twiddling my thumbs.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Hybrid lover.

So yes, i have been on hiatus.

Thanks for welcoming me back.

Anyhow, how about this weather? Isn’t it divine? I freaking hate it to bits! To be honest i enjoy a bit of rain and shine, but not so much of heat waves threatening to set my glass of milk on fire.

I mean it so hot, i had to stop wearing pants and wear shorts instead. I never wear shorts! They are like the worst fashion statement ever. As a guy, i refuse to expose my leg hair to innocent young maidens. And in any case, i don’t believe any girl in the world has a thing for guys with leg hair. And the same goes for guys without hairy legs.

Why is that? That’s the oddest preference ever.

And i dont think there can be ever a balance of the two, so god invented pants. Guys look good in a pair of jeans. Not tight denim shorts. True story.

For us, its easy for our preference of girls. Any girl with hairless legs gets a thumbs up any day. But seriously, i actually fancy hairy girls, cause they’re the most lively in a relationship. In fact, girls with some hair actually is a better thing than none, because they aren’t frail and bleached white like them princesses.

In fact when it comes to standards i’m pretty easy going so it doesn’t matter anyhow as long as its a girl.

Nothing get’s a guy going than a nice sweaty girl in a pair of mechanic overalls.

mmmm HOT DAMN.

Open

It’s always like this.

I am always at some point in life that involves a dilemma, girl or family spat. And to be honest i dont know why i continue to do so. its like i have a tendency to just rant on about anything that comes into mind. But i think that is the case.

I feel so..normal.

Who knew that being normal would be so stressful though. i sometimes wish i was some sort of secret agent, or spy, or famous person. I think im suited to a life of drama.

Anyway, thinking about this makes me tired.

Night.

Baby, vanquish me.

Does it ever make you wonder when he refers himself in third person? Do you wonder if it is all but an attempt to appear like some sort of philosopher that spins a web of intellectual bullshit just so you can be please and appease?

You want to say, ‘fuck off, you know that i dont really care for what you think because it’s just a waste of my time’

In fact, you have to admit, everything is a waste of your time if it doesnt pertain to you.

He really is a pretentious dick.

I mean what kind of person thinks rewording their phrases into bits and pieces of complex and confusing words would make other people like him?

But you already know that the only way to do it right is to swear a bit, say a smart word or two to show how well read you are but not so snobbish as to show it off.

Its all an act, pretending you are not aware that you are so well spoken, intentionally throwing in a word nobody really knows just so you seem modest.

Honey, you dont have to be so belligerent because nobody gives a fuck.

We’re secretly all doing the same thing.

There is room beneath your bed, for me.

Isnt it weird, to write a blog that doesn’t go anywhere?

In fact if i had to describe it, my blog is more of a endless diary, where i can write whatever comes to my mind and feel happy that the temporary memory, emotion can be written down and kept forever. No matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing.

Well, i’d like to think that this blog has one single purpose in mind. To find a girlfriend.

When i get there, i wont need this blog anymore, not unless i have another heartbreak, or i turn 17 again.

In fact in relation to the best emotion rollercoaster ever, i think i have had my fill being 17.

Yeah.

Beatboxing with boots and cats

It you say boots and cats really fast you are one step towards being a pro beat boxer.

Hey, why did you stop smiling?

There’s a bedpost by the lake.

It seems a certain trait in the way i conduct my daily things that has caught my attention today.

It seems i tend to alternate between being completely relaxed and carefree at importune times, and stress and fret.

Right now I have no clue whether i am fretting or carefree right now. It it seems obvious that i should be revising for my exam tomorrow its not.

I probably couldn’t care less. Possibly due to the fact that i just cant decide whether this is important to me. Such is the dilemma for the man who does not know where his priorities lie.

A reason to live? Its possible i have one, i just dont know what. I do know that i would not like the experience of dying, So that must be the reason.

But a reason to do anything in this life? Pointless.

At one point, i felt an extreme sense of altruism, and i suppose social work would have been suitable for that mindset. But even that emotion isn’t real anymore.

It must be nice to be able to release sadness and frustration in one go.

Raiding the closet for my dancing shoes.

I dont have any empathy for this anymore.

Somehow, it feels deceiving, to think about things in the future when i should be counting my blessings.

During Christmas day, i went over to my mate’s house. And hoping to make some sort of memory i decided to dress up nicely so that i could look presentable. But during the party, i realised i was the only one who dressed up. Everyone else was casual looking and i felt out of place.

The same thing happened at my family get-together at my cousin Liz’s place. I had donned shoes, pants, shirt and vest all in black, accentuated by a red tie.

In fact, all the parties i have been gone at i have dressed up to the best i could.

And surprisingly, i felt like i looked the stupidest.

Starting now. I’ll never know your name.

I came across a couple of guides written by guys for talking to girls and finding a serious or casual girlfriend.

Without any bias i read them all the same, thinking over their thoughts rather than simply rejecting them. Since i know, everything must be taken with a grain of salt.

Never regret anything because at one time, it was exactly what you wanted.

I think a lot of my blogs, a lot of my thoughts and memories have been of regret. Because as soon as i do it i wished i had done something else. And because of that i know there is a fine line between not giving a shit about anything and accepting your regrets. The only difference is one is much more easier.

Now i regret reciprocating affections from former friends, and enacting out decisions that would have changed circumstances, and carrying out resolutions that i keep repeating to myself. But there are only a select few that i have carried to this day, as balls and chains, hungry ghosts, demons and whatever else we call our past.

Some i choose not to remember, some i keep with me until the day i die, and some i learn as experience.

This little idea has me in its clutches, and i feel the need to live up to it, to have it as a motto.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I understand, but i could care less for your poetry.

Why so morbid?

Winter comes and goes.

It makes my skin tickle, and i can hear my hair sigh.

Its growing ever so slowly.

And outside, the grass,

grows ever so slowly.

I think i could sleep for days, across this white cushion

Watching waves of blue sky, crash against my window pane.

He is to engage in altruistic motives

This is sure to incite moralistic tendencies within those members of society who identify themselves as falling within expected norms with respect to sexual preferences.

Because in all forms and states of mind, one cannot control their whimsical musings of the physical.

And i would think when you engage in matters of the sensual.

Surely, inevitably that sensation beguiles.

MY P*NIS STINGS!

Tic tak goes this cat.

Across the road is my neighbours cat.

She was yellow haired, and a playful little thing.

Today a car-

RED WHITE RED WHITE RED WHITE

RED RED RED

Tic tac went the cat, sprayed along the black tarmat.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Well, you could say that’s poetry, but i call bullshit.

A few weeks ago

I was riding in the car with my mate. He had a bunch of shit in the back of his car, and the pervading smell of sex and alcohol was casually rubbing against my throat.

He had played some songs then, with lyrics so sexually descriptive i felt turned on then.

The four of us crossed out legs and jeered at the family car beside us.

At a skating rink.

I slipped and grazed my legs.

A girl in long white socks glided beside me, her knees as white as the ice. Eyes following my clumsy step.

I bled through my nose, and wiped it off with my scarf.

A beginning? At end.

Because in my mind you were perfect for this.

Slim shoulders skimming the water, its reflection of the bone caught my eye.

Spin, roll, push. Another lap in time.

He had smiled then, like a shark.

Monday, February 7, 2011