Memories in my spine.

 

My Grandfather died peacefully  yesterday.

My mother, was planning to visit him before he died, but ironically. she found out that she was a day late. My sister, noted that mom was unusually quiet, though she didn’t know the reason then.

Mom has left, and wont be back until next month.

And these few days has been whittling away what very will i have.

Years ago, mom had to leave for the similar reason, leaving me to manage her role in the house. Luckily, as a high-schooler, i didn’t have to worry about schoolwork.

It’s different now, i have to organise lunch and dinner for my father and sister, manage house chores, study for my exams, and get up earlier every morning cause i cant drive the car yet. My sister is still in shock with our grandfather’s death, and she feels some guilt in not being able to spend time with him more.

For me, to be honest, i cant draw up any true emotion about my grandfather. I love him, but i just don’t have the capacity for grief, not at this time anyway.

For a person who tries to be a realist, i’ve blurred its intentions with pessimism. And although death is a part of life, it seems i really think it doesn’t matter to me anymore. Rather than see things positively, i find it easier to see whats wrong with it.

I find, life rather futile and temporary. And it really doesn’t matter what i do with it. Some say that gives us more reason to live life to the fullest.

I’d say it gives me a reason not to give a damn anymore.