Kitakotonai.

 

This is pretty self explanatory, but i find it useful to show what i want to say.

Between a conversation between me and Sino, it led me to think that some people sit on different positions on this image.

To explain, since ive been through this cycle, i would say my view sits on staying between strangers and friends. And thus i try to avoid any attempt to really find a girlfriend.

Others may be between friends and lovers, and have the mindset of not giving a damn about whether or not it goes wrong, as long as they know they tried.

I know, as some of you might also notice, that this image is too generalised, and that it never permanently follows this pattern. In my defence, i would argue that this is more of a vicious circle, and some are able to escape it more easily or more sooner than others.

I for one, like to think ive escaped this circle, but something tells me otherwise.

Im a big boy now, itll take more than a bruise to make me fall over.

 

Out of the blue, all my intensity has degraded into a slush of sorts.

I have, taken care of my family with all the dedication i can muster, assisting with the cooking, laundry and cleaning up the house.

I have tried to fill my father’s shoes and live up to his expectations, and i am constantly reminded that i am not enough.

I have tried to study as hard as i can, and i have tried to dedicate myself to become multi-skilled, working on my flaws.

You could say, i have been efficient with my resolution to do the bucket list i have on my blog since 2008.

I know i can muster more strength to complete my tasks, but the fear is what i will ultimately accomplish in the end, and where will i go then.

It seems i have only begun, but i feel like ive been doing this since forever.

Reminiscent luminescence

 

I think i have finally worked things out.

I don’t need help. Not if i’m serious. Not if i really wanted to die. The ones who try to commit suicide make sure it doesn’t work, make sure someone finds them. With luck the finder feels like a hero and sticks around for a while. I’ve started there. I’ve been found twice- but this time im serious. I just want to be finished.

I am still afraid of superficial consequences.

 

This, i hope, will be the last time i talk about these feelings again. After that, if i really do need help, i will sort it out quietly.

im going to burn my bridges.

When i fucking get the chance.

There are some people i want to erase permanently from my life.

Every little fucking aspect of them gone.

 

 

I find it hard to be so calm and collected these days, i need to silently vent.